Jan 28
Absorbing the Light
The very idea of absorbing the elements or furniture of this Tabernacle may confound many notions of what healings and miracles are. Yet, it should not. We cannot heal anything, but we can be healed and used to heal as the Spirit of God flows through us. In an earlier post it was mentioned that from the events in the Bible called miracles and/or healings; healing were the removal of something (demons, bacteria, germs, virus, etc.) and miracles were the creation or regeneration of some organ, limb, or bone.
TO BE HEALED, TO HEAL
Therefore, to absorb, in this case the Showbread, is to absorb the healing power that flowed through Jesus. That power can heal you or flow through you to heal others. Jesus said, that power is the Holy Spirit. It is the very spirit of God and is represented in each of the seven pieces of furniture of the entire Tabernacle. It is this same Spirit that is now before you, searching you, as you stand in front of the seven branches of the Lampstand.
TRUE ENLIGHTENMENT
As it searches you, you are absorbing it’s light. This is the early form of ‘enlightenment.’ Absorption occurs only in proportion to the degree you allow the Light to reveal the cracks in you that need repaired. You might look at it in this manner, any crack in you will allow light to ‘leak out.’ As this enlightenment takes place you will not only walk in greater light but a greater light will radiate from you. In time, the light will grow and thicken.
Eventually this will become a public display of light. This very real enlightenment is why Jesus was able to say, you are the ‘Light of the World” (Matthew 5:14). To the depth you radiate it, that light cannot be hid from the world.
MANIFESTING WHAT YOU HAVE ABSORBED
This absorption or infilling of the Holy Spirit is the reason Jesus was able to manifest all the names and attributes of God to those who were watching Him (John 17:6). Here is another Spiritual Law, “You cannot manifest what you do not have.” These attributes or furniture are spiritual in their composition and that is what allows the Holy Spirit to give them to you or you might say, allows you to absorb them. Either way you view it, it is the Holy Spirit that is the impetus for the blessing of any Gift, He alone gives (1 Corinthians 12:11).
Therefore, it is vitally important for you to be infilled, or absorb every attribute of God represented in the furniture you have and will stand before, so that you, as part of the Body of Christ, might manifest the attributes or names of God to all you meet. Again, this does not make you God; it does mean He lives in you.
THE RAW NATURE OF CHANGE
It is the entrance of this light that gives understanding to the simple (Psalms 119:130). As the cracks and flaws in you are revealed, they are also being rubbed out. During this time, you may become somewhat raw to things and people around you. You may or may not notice this raw nature, but those around you certainly will. To them, this process may make it seem like you are getting worse, not better. Be of good cheer, this time frame does pass and they, along with you, will be glad as the results in your life become obvious.
Until that time comes, circumstances, situations, as well as emotions will seem very, very chaotic. Chaos is necessary for any change to occur. Chaos is disorienting. Therefore, for there to be reorientation there must be disorientation. In other words you will not leave in the same condition as you came.
This process propels ‘you’ to change your view of ‘you.’ This then aligns with the Law of Observation – you see yourself differently and therefore you become a different person. You become enlightened with the Light of His presence – the Light of Life.
Blessings,
John Paul
38 Comments so far
Leave a comment
Loading ...
I felt that Paul wrote about gifts in 1 Cor 12 to tell us about the functions of the Holy Spirit, because without Him none can believe in the Son of God (v.3), also when need arises in our daily walk He gives wisdom from above, knowledge from above (v.8), faith from above, healing from above (v.9), miracles from above, prophecy from above, discerning of spirits from above, tongues from above and interpretation from above (v.10)…the 9 gifts are the only 9 functions of the Holy Spirit in a general sense thought there is more elsewhere. Every time we are functioning in the gifts by the Holy Spirit. Otherwise how could we have walk this path?
I don’t downplay the gifts but its true if you can recognize Him at work. Yet there are also dramatic gifts on a greater scale. This most know.
Sorry i wrote above, it should be “though there is more elsewhere.” Suffice to say the Spirit gives life, the flesh profits nothing (Rom 8:11), the life the Spirit gives is the heavenly plans and purposes of God we live in our daily lives. If i move in the prophetic its the Spirit gives me prophetic life, the flesh profits nothing.
I’m sitting on the edge of my seat. I know an answer is nigh. I feel I’m not absorbing all that I can from these posts on healing but I’m eating up all that I can.
God is faithful, good, and just. All my Christian life I cut my teeth on the stories of revival and fiery little women who made a huge impact on the world. I knew no other thing than to cry out to God for years for a gift of healing and to be used mightily. God is not teasing me. God is not giving me a stone when I asked for bread. God is good and God is faithful. God did not allow my child to laugh for the first time about a month ago on Christmas day to tease me. God paid for healing long before my child was ever born. It is there for the taking. Why do so many pray for the healing of cancer but look upon the mentally and physically handicapped as if they were sent from God or somehow more blessed by God? The enemy and living in this fallen world has crippled their bodies. They are candidates for healing just as much as anyone else. John Paul I want to start seeing people in the earth with the faith for healing of things we haven’t seen much of in the past.
I will not let go of God in belief of healing the impossible…what even Christians believing in healing can’t even fully sink their teeth into! God does not tease. I feel I am on the brink of something but can’t put my finger on it. If you know how to drive us to greater faith help us all be pushed over the edge. May we have eyes to see and ears to hear. God help me absorb!
I would like to be a luminescent sponge.
I had a Dream while listening to worship music : was trying to skateboard and sing prophetic song many young people skating good and singing . I move to front and give up my trying and sing with the worship team I turn into viberant glowing spirit being I awake with such faith and hope the dream was in vivid color. but my flesh my body just lay there like a lump it has been hard for me to fullfill the dream. These teachings will bring it to pass? prayer for me friends as I sit here on the border. I wantto beluminescent sponge too………….
“luminescent sponge” - loved that one…
God Bless!
Dear John Paul,
I write with a heavy heart as much has happened since I wrote my last post entitled “Be wise and prepare for the next storm”. Since I put your prophetic message on my blog and a number of other messages, I have felt there is a wave of “attack” coming my way.
Interestingly, in my post above, I quoted exactly the same scripture as you, Matthew 5, 14 and reminded my readers that for those who decide to shine their light in the darkness, there will be much opposition, as beacons of light are easily spotted and therefore easily become targets. No sooner had I written that post, my husband and I were faced with pretty tough stuff to deal with which is certainly revealing the cracks in us and helping us experience the raw nature of change that you describe.
Please pray for us. We know it is all part of God’s plan, but we need the strength and courage to face what is coming.
Thank you for giving me confirmation through that scripture that this is indeed meant to happen and that God is doing a good work in us through it.
Blessings,
ransom33 @ http://www.ransom33.wordpress.com
Gabriel, that’s a great dream. What comes from my heart is to remind you of 1 John chapter 3… when we see him, we become like him because we see him as he really is.
There is nothing like his presence.
Thanks for your dream.
Chaos is the atmosphere for new birth. It must of been chaotic when I was being formed in my mothers womb. Cells, blood, tissue, bone, where whirling around with a plan in mind. Me!
Maybe you could say the chaos might be the rattling sounds like the prophet Ezekiel prophesied in chapter 37:7,8,10. There was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them. So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet-a vast army.
He has shown me things about myself and I experienced one breakthrough, but I understand that he is not finished. It seems that he is taking me through phases that lead to breakthrough. My view of myself is changing, I have realized that I did not view myself as God does. I feel that he is in the process of bringing restoration of what was lost. I believe that when this restoration comes, there will be something much greater for the future. And, when opposition and mocking comes it will not affect me like it did in the past. We need to be able to handle opposition, mocking and criticism. I believe that as God imparts the fullness of his Spirit, he will strengthen us to advance the Kingdom in the midst of opposition.
Blessings
Hmm.
More questions.
This makes me ponder, the stones on the breastplate, absorption, and the connection between those stones and the associated tribes.
You are really good at provoking thought!
Thank you for sharing life-giving nourishment.
Blessings, Tanya
I have been in a dark place for a long time. This is restoring my hope that God is still near and I haven’t messed up so badly that He left me.
When I read the post from “oneofthose”, I cried as I was touched by your writings. It was clear to me. I believe what you are saying. You are not alone in your thoughts, prayers and desires…..
And I too have had dreams, crazy, good God dreams of strange things.
OH, To have the cracks revealed and healed in me, YES. I want to absorb all of His light, love, power and all of Him, in all of me. Saturated, yes, like a sponge, His blood flowing, His life flowing; to lay at His feet, He comes, wraps His life around me, over me, in me….I hunger and thirst for more of the King. He is found as I lay humbly at His feet.
Thank you John Paul for sharing your insights, it is rich and it is full.
bless you
I’m sitting here sipping coffee and pondering the effects my words have had on others. It was not my intent but I am pleased to be able to contribute.
Perhaps then, this sudden thought I’ve just had may provide encouragement to someone. As I pondered these things we have been discussing I suddenly understood this discrepancy between the desire to contain more of God and the current undesired cracked state of our hearts. We want to see God’s hand moving on the earth. We want to be able to walk holy and administer the healing love and power of God. However, there is something wrong. I’ve noticed a level of frustration between what we want with God and what we have.
Have you ever looked at a really attractive physically fit body and thought, boy, I really wish I were so lean and mean. Why, I betcha I could do that if I tried. Then you start thinking, ‘yeah, I’m going to start eating right and working out.’ You have this goal in mind of how you want to look and you start whole-heartedly working towards that goal.
Unfortunately, after taking stock of your body a week later you don’t look anything like that ripped slim body you had envisioned. Your discouragement allows you to cheat on your eating and cut corners on your exercise. A month later the scale reveals only 4 pounds weight loss and you know you could really stand to loss 60.
I think this is what happens spiritually. We see some ripped, lean, mean, spiritual machine and we dream of being like them. However, we could stand to loss 60 spiritual pounds. After some hit or miss attempts at spiritual dieting and exercise we don’t feel like we are ever going to get where we want to be and we cheat here and there or in some cases, just give up.
It struck me that if we just keep going and we just keep trying we will be an ounce closer to our spiritually desired weight. Then, we’ll be a pound closer. Next we’ll find we’ve lost 10 spiritual pounds and we’ll get excited. Each new spiritual push-up takes us closer to being fit. Each new sit-up helps get us into shape…if we just keep going. I know it isn’t easy. If you need a demonstration just drop now and rack out 40 good push-ups (10 if you are a woman). How did that feel? We just have to keep working at it day after day. If we don’t give up we will constantly be moving closer to our spiritually ideal fitness level.
Wouldn’t it be great to have a spiritual boot camp? How about spiritual fitness plans? Sounds tough…sounds great!
I find it interesting that I haven’t read in any comments about when John Paul says the following…
“…until that time comes, circumstances, situations as well as emotions will seem very, very chaotic. Chaos is necessary for any change to occur. Chaos is disorientating. Therefore, for there to be reorientation there must be disorientation. In other words you will not leave in the same condition as you came….”
Well… Praise God!
I don’t know but perhaps my unique situations tends to allow for me to pick up on this who thought of reorientation and then I run with it. My journey can best be described as total chaos!
Everything I thought about me….. everything I thought about who I am… my whole identity…. the fabric of my being….with one supernatural encounter with God called me to believe that it was all wrong. I don’t know if any of you can relate to how disorientation it can be when you are confronted with the truth that you are not who you thought you were and then to somehow understand and embrace the REAL you, the person that God actually created you to be. The very person that we are as men or women created in God’s Image.
I went through that whole disorientating period…. and encountered more people within the church who gossiped about me and debated whether or not I was a Christian. Needless to say I found that church a not so safe church and decided it was no longer a place where I could continue being apart of. It became an unhealthy place and unhealthy situation.
I look back and I can say that now I can appreciate the fact that my sin was exposed and now by the grace of God I can continue walking in the light and truth of Jesus Christ.
And perhaps as it says in Rev… in reference to Saints in Christ…
“They over came him by the blood of the Lamb, the word of their testimony and not loving their lives unto death…”
Both my husband and myself are experiencing a suddenly in this life. Husband is very ill with leukemia, but very much alive in Christ and continue’s to be a joy. He is God’s own, and in God’s hands. God is in control. We are living one day at a time. With all of this there is an increasingly daily challenge both in faith and in trusting God at the same time. We have confidence to know that God knows what He is doing and that He is still on His Throne. There is a healthy fear of the unknown but a equal desire to want to surrender all of it to the Lord. I need a specific word from His Holy Spirit that dwells in me and those around me. I am still reading this blog, not writing as much. Major life transition and need to devote much more time and energy to personal prayer, taking care of my loved one regarding appointments and making Godly decisions. I am processing much which can get a bit overwhelming but all with the Lord. I am reading the word and visiting with Jesus in the room of mystery through the book, “The Shack”. This is timely reading for me. Thanks, for all of your prayers up to this point. I would like to see the light at the end of the tunnel for both of us in the area of healing. I am believing God for more encounters and guidance from the Lord regarding the urgent matter that we are about to face. Please continue to pray for God’s intervention.
S.C
Shirley, God is in control indeed… He never loses control of His children. Rest in Him knowing that He’ll be glorified in your lives (both your husband and you). God His doing something in this hour in our lives that we can not understand, is as if He has left us. But He did not! I am going through some, if not to say through hell, but I have made a commitment to myself that no matter what I go through, I won’t go back, because if I have to go through all this… then I want also to see the reward of my pain. As John Paul wrote (Chaos is necessary for any change to occur. Chaos is disorienting. Therefore, for there to be reorientation there must be disorientation)
God bless you my sister, you’re in my prayers. I love you
Dear Shirley
So sorry you and your husband going through this …. Will pray for God’s wonderful peace upon you both and rest of family, plus complete healing for your husband!
Every blessing..
This is for mercy and love. I walk closer with the Lord than most man. I felt that the Lord seems raw to many and His ways offend the elect. When this chaos happens, to one it births relationship with Him, to the other they stumble at the Stumbling Block.
In the temple, there are so many zones and God seems raw in His ways, isn’t He Author of chaos in the beginning? And yet God who brings harmony and order out of it with mercy because the Lamb was slained from the foundation of the earth. He is the ‘earth’. Look at the earth, ‘1/3′ of mankind have set up idols to themselves. How could we (from them) who have drank blood waters discern the Lord when he comes into his temple? And that on the earth? We fail miserably.
God’s ways are raw in the zone to those who are not enlightened. I have bore the reproach of the those who lift themselves up against Him, i have kept my heart clean. If there is chaos, there will be order except on whose perspective?
If you think that your faith in God is just from the church, then you have missed God who is the ‘earth’. Please know there is a zone, and that there is a hierachy out of this order. God bless those who bless His people. Why would i walk away from my Beloved?
I am in a zone. God takes care of everything.
Sorry that’s the way the gift is, its chaotic ‘in God’s order’ just like miracles and healings in a meeting. Only God knows the beautiful pattern of it all. My heart is clean.
Way to go Janey! What I have discovered is there is a certain kind of ‘glory’ in the midst of chaos that cannot be experienced in any other place. God pulls out all of the ‘props’ - we’ve got no one to lean on, but Him - all the while we get to see ourselves the way that we ‘really are’ not the way that we ‘think that we are.’
Delusional? No. At times I may have thought I was becoming delusional (i.e.,my mind was resisting change),but looking back that was only because of the disorientation.
I’ve found that this ‘disorientation’ breaks the power of the mind’s resistance to change. Once I began the process of reorientation, with the correct view of myself, I found that things began to come together (make sense) in a way they never have before.
Ahh, the benefits of Chaos!
Connecting the dots.
Confusion can cause one to seek out the Word.
With all your getting, get understanding!
One of those and Shirley, HUGS.
Janey, perhaps it was waiting for you to comment.
Blessings all,
David
I think that I’ll take Davids’ advice and comment…
But I really don’t have much to say…
I feel like I’m going into meltdown…not disorientation, that has been for some time, but meltdown…
Don’t really know what to make of it, but I’m sure it’s good…Gotta keep that in mind.
God Bless…
Thanks guys and gals for all of your prayers of peace and restoration. And thanks for all the love and support, it means more to us than you’ll ever know. Bless You!
Shirley C.
Shirley C.,
I am so sorry to hear about your husband. I know that what you are facing is very difficult, as I have had the experience of dealing with cancer. I will be praying for both you & your husband.
Warn the unruly…
God will provide no atonement, He will not blot out your sin from His sight, if you blaspheme His Holy Spirit. You will die by famine (no access to the word), your blood will be poured out by the sword (judgemnt and curses), your children will die by famine (all your children (works) of harlotry with evil spirits), your wife will be widowed (bridal relationship with Christ taken away), bereaved of children (your works will not go on with you), your young man slained in battle (your glory and strength will perish) and a troop will come against you (captivity). Jer 18:19-23 This is a SIMPLIFIED elaboration of what will happen if you like to blaspheme the Holy Spirit and God will not forgive you, yet what line you have crossed i don’t know - only God knows.
Why should you be denied the holy mountain? God has called all of us to ascend the heights of His glory. Never forget Jeruselam who is this mountain. Build the temple, not destroy it lest you be destroyed. Why take its vessels (me) and glorify your gods (idols) like heathen kings? Then many good things will happen in your life, around you, in the church and in the world…if you only know a little of the truth.
“This process propels ‘you’ to change your view of ‘you.’ This then aligns with the Law of Observation – you see yourself differently and therefore you become a different person. You become enlightened with the Light of His presence – the Light of Life.”
This is true. It is as if you see your reflection in a mirror and it “no longer” is the you that once existed in the tabernacle that He has chosen for His own to dwell. Holy Spirit (Ruach Hakodesh) brings forth the fruit of righteousness in your inner man (spirit). Everything in this mortal life has changed in a way that you’ve never seen before and the peace of God rules in your heart. It is then that even your dreams and visions manifest His glorious love and that which is to come. Light has come…He is the Light of the World! Blessings
I want to share some good news with those who are standing in the gap for me and my husband. We went to Dana Farber Cancer Clinic here in Boston today and the kind of Leukemia that my husband has, is very treatable according to the doctors because of a the philadelphia chromosome they found in his bone marrow. Apparently, this kind of Leukemia is called CML Leukemia, which is located on the y axis of the philadelphia chromosome, which are genes 9 and 22 for you geneticists out there (lol). Well, anyway it appears that these particular genes went haywire and started producing a whole lot of enzymes for nothing and started to attack my husbands red blood cells which carry oxygen (o2) throughout the body. This enzyme switch of the chromosome was in the on position 24/7 causing the White Blood cells to multiply at an increasing rate causing prolonged anemia. Well, as of 10 years ago, they discovered the drug that shuts off the enzyme switch of the Philedelphia Chromosome…I don’t know why they call it the philadelphia chromosome but they do…So, now according to the doctors this drug has a 99% rate of putting this particular kind of Leukemia into submission up to 10 years. This is not chemo…They stopped my husbands chemo today (he was only on the chemo therapy for a week) and now , he is starting this new therapy, with this new drug tomorrow morning.
The other miracle is that they have decided to use my husbands case in a research study that they are conducting regarding this new drug for Leukemia patients who have this particular gene and furthermore this experimental drug is being financed by the federal government so this treatment is free for up to one year.
We are hoping and praying that God moves through signs and wonders and that my husband is miracuously healed of this disease once and for all under this therapy. Although the Lord can move soveriegnly, He can still heal through the medical profession as well. It says somewhere in the book of psalms, many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers them out of it all. Oh, and another thing, we have been believing God for manna from heaven and teaching on the spiritual significance of communion and how it brings healing to our body, mind, soul, spirit will and emotions and manna is beginning to come. I have been feeding this manna to my husband. He says some of it taste sweet and some of it taste in between sweet and a little salty. This falls in our prayer room after a time of teaching and worship. I believe that the Lord is releasing a impartation of manna from heaven if you ask Him, and thank Him in advance for it.
Have a wonderful day and may God, continue to bless everyone here on this blog with every spiritual blessings under the open heavens and thank-you John Paul for continuing to be obedient regarding the teaching of the rooms of mystery as it relates to Godly encounters in the life of the believer.
Connecting the dots… I like it when I can connect the dots.
Lyle, it’s like we’re on the same page here !
David, perhaps you’re right *grin*
Hey there Janey
Sometimes we don’t know all that is going on ‘behind the scenes’ so to speak. In our search for understanding we don’t usually find what we’re looking for, until we almost stumble upon it (at least that’s my experience). A couple of months ago I found myself watching the movie “Field of Dreams” on TV. In the movie, a baseball player/doctor, Moonlight Graham says; “you know, we just don’t recognize the most significant moments of our lives while they’re happening.” When I heard that said in the movie it was as if God was speaking to me – about this season that I have been in or to say another way; this place that I’ve been stuck at.
Much of what God has been dealing with me in this last many number of months (dark night of the soul/chaos/transition etc.) have been ‘father issues’ and this really is, the essence of what the whole movie is all about – Ray Kinsella played by Kevin Costner being reconciled to his father who shows up in the very last scene of the movie.
Since you mentioned that we seem to “be on the same page” I thought I would share this. Perhaps this season that you have been in, like myself, is one of “the most significant moments of your life.” Moonlight Graham goes on to say a few other things, that I think are important, but you will have to watch the movie to hear what he had to say.
Blessings, Lyle
Shirley C.
Janey, It is fun to watch the Holy Spirit dance from one person to the next as He inspires each one of us.
“As the cracks and flaws in you are revealed, they are also being rubbed out. During this time, you may become somewhat raw to things and people around you. You may or may not notice this raw nature, but those around you certainly will. To them, this process may make it seem like you are getting worse, not better. Be of good cheer, this time frame does pass and they, along with you, will be glad as the results in your life become obvious.
Until that time comes, circumstances, situations, as well as emotions will seem very, very chaotic. Chaos is necessary for any change to occur. Chaos is disorienting. Therefore, for there to be reorientation there must be disorientation. In other words you will not leave in the same condition as you came.”
Thank you so much for these anchoring words. The prophet makes sense out of what is happening to us that we do not understand. Thank you, Holy Father, for Your prophets.
Transition - seeing where you’re going but don’t have any idea how you’re going to get there.
Change. The Lord showed me this in a dream. It was in the daytime and I was in my church playground at New Song Fellowship swinging on the swing. There was a female standing in front of me and another swinging on the swing to my left. The one standing in front of me was incessantly spewing venom, the other was watching.
The Lord told me, “Ignore them.”
When He said that, I looked down and I could see a couple of small silver coins. I was then off the swing and I picked up the two coins. When I did, the pea gravel moved and I could see more and picked them up. There were even more. The deeper I dug, the bigger the coins became to the point they were like silver bars and I couldn’t hold them all.
It ended.
The deeper we dig, the bigger the “change.” Obviously, I’m in need of many changes. I was excited about the “change” and determined to embrace the changes. I didn’t anticipate the raw nature of change and the chaos. I’m so thankful to learn that as things are being revealed they are being rubbed out!
Thank you for your words. As always, your words are comforting in a time of extreme uncomfortableness.
God bless you all abundantly!
Linda
Dear OneofThose, I,too have a child with mental & physical challenges and have grappled many years with praying for a miracle, hoping, believing, receiving prophetic words confirming a miracle, growing in faith, and finally beginning to receive a miracle for her! God is good and there is NOTHING too difficult for Him! My daughter, born with down’s syndrome, now 28 years old, has begun to verbalize more, her abilities are increasing, her interaction with others becoming delightful and affectionate. I’ve longed to hear her reply to “I love you” and am finally hearing her response! What a delight to see what new things she will do today.I’ve come to a place of no longer asking, but simply thanking God that she is a walking testimony to Who He Is. So much more ahead! Give God ALL the glory!
Just cruising through. Nice Blog.=)
I had a dream once of my front porch being cleaned by a man. Even now as I write this I had the image of wind shield wipers swishing back and forth across my eyes. The law of observation and the light of the lampstand has just become revelation to me. I have been exposed to quantum physics when it was more philosophy than science. I understood many of the concepts but only in the natural sense. In fact I studied them much to the dismay of others. What will you do with that in life?
I have seen many wondrous things in the spirit and wondered what the point was. They appeared to be in direct contrast to the state of my life (and the world). I became so anxious to be there (successful, powerful) that in my stress, I forgot God is the master and creator of time. What we see in the spirit can become reality. Everything is all right and on schedule in life. Now I better understand God’s ways. I intend to move toward what I see as it becomes.
I’ve seen negative energy from others and I’ve seen lighted countenances…I wondered how that came to be. I’ve learned that it’s not in the flash although it’s awesome to see the glory of God at work. It’s in the perseverance - in the trying times and the dark night. I’ve come to accept this as God’s divine way and will. Once again, John Paul, I have to thank you for your service. Thank God for His wonderful plans for our good! If you knew my story…you would wonder that I can say this even now!